A Peak.

If I ever doubted the fact that I write enough for a book, this post blows that out of the water. It's probably the longest yet. But I do think every word necessary, and I pray you do too.

Enjoy the story :]

As some of you know, I have spent the last 24 days traveling. A lot. I'm not sure I even knew exactly the extent of it until now, when I'm home. My Mom, brother and I have been on five flights, multiple busses and trains, and now my brother and I can say that we have visited 12 new countries. Going into, and coming out of this trip, I have had many mixed feelings. But I learned a lot, and despite the pace, was able to get some rest and retreat. I will say more about this trip, but I am going to try and keep it limited to how it relates to the purpose of this blog for sake of length and focus.

On this trip, as we traveled, we saw and heard many different things about the people and countries we were in. We had many experiences, with both positive and negative. Everything from seeing a special practice parade of the Queen's guards for her birthday celebration in London, to seeing our tour guides purse stolen right off our bus in Rome. There are so many stories :] The first few days were rougher for me, I'm not always the most willing morning traveler, but once I got into the routine, I absorbed everything I could.

Just about the time we hit... Paris (?) I had enough traveling behind me to do some reflecting. No, It was Copenhagen. So after the first 14 days. I felt heavy, and exhausted. I was wondering how in the world I was ever going to be ready for France if I had another ten days like the first fourteen. So I sat on the couch in our hotel room after dinner, and journaled, prayed and read. It was a good time, and a few things were revealed there. One thing that I was shown was one reason I felt heavy- all I felt had seen for the past two weeks were people who were broken. Governments who had big problems, and people who had bigger ones. I cannot even tell you how many churches and cathedrals we went into, (there are literally so many I don't remember), that were beautiful. Really, like nothing else I have ever seen. I was left awed at architecture, and how they built these great buildings as a parallel for how they viewed God, and at their persistence over literally hundreds of years to build just one. It was, and is, considered an extreme honor to be buried in one. And each one is different. But when I walked in, few made me feel. (And I feel a lot). I ache because I fear for the minority who come seeking, but who are blinded by their expectations, and traditions. It's a pretty heavy thing. I'm not sure I can even put into words all of the how and why, but they felt empty. The very places that God was supposed to be the most, His house, felt empty. And that just scared me. Sure, it was just a feeling. God IS everywhere, and He is working everywhere- that is still the truth. But they felt empty. That isn't ok.

Of course, when I reached this point in my learning, I was exasperated. All of these countries have so many problems, the people I see have problems, and the very cathedrals feel empty. It was quite a weight. But then God turned the page for me, and started telling me of His love for these people. For these nations. How He is working in their lives, even though they may not know it, and even though they may never attribute it to Him. Even if they can't see it, and even if I can't see it. History and the ideas of the past and tradition are huge in Europe. But God is working there now too. I journaled:

Being a tourist is difficult for me sometimes. I see so many problems, that I have no time, authority, not to mention skill or wisdom to help fix in a single sightseeing trip, or ever. It hurts my heart to see so much broken, and frustrates and overwhelms me that I am unable to help. We as a world are so broken Lord. I am glad that you are more than enough for me, and for the world, as deep in trouble as we have gotten ourselves. We are never too far, Your love reaches farther than our disobedience. Thank you!

It's true. He is moving.

Another insight I was given into why I had been feeling so heavy was because I deeply missed camp and friends in Cave Springs, and all my close friends from A&M who are in many more countries than I will go to. While missing all of this, I was given windows into how things were going in those places, blogs, pictures, texts. So I missed them more, and felt a little jealous for not being able to be these places. Today, God whispered why. My heart has still ever-so-slightly been hanging on to these people and places. Yes, they are part of what has made me me, but they are not part of who I am. I know, that reads a little weird. English can only go so far to describe what I mean :] But if you think about it, it makes sense.

Whew. I feel like I should take a typing break. So if you feel necessary, please take a water break :]. I've covered two of four weighty ideas, just to give you an idea of where I'm going.

Aaaaaand we're back.

Quick recap.

I love Cave Springs, and I love my friends. God has spoken very loudly through both, and I have been impacted and influenced very heavily by my experiences with both. But they are not who I am. Realizing this is a big deal, and it is something that I must remember. We will come back to this idea.

To zoom out a little, I'm briefly going to put this post in context with some ideas from previous posts...

My struggle with my latin class, with my perception and value of myself, and so many other things, have been stepping stones. The insights and words of encouragement I have been given, and how I act on them are stepping stones. Steps I had to take in faith, steps that were in front of me, but I didn't know why, or how I was going to take them. I've made it this far, stumbling the whole way up through Him, by Him, and for Him.

I feel sentimental looking back, but I know that I MUST move forward. I must let go of the past, or I will once again risk defining myself by it. I must let go of the ideas, people, and misconceptions I have been trying to define myself by, and I must not forget the truth and love I have felt and learned, not forget the support I have that goes with me, not forget who I am, and JUMP.

At camp in Cave Springs working the zip line started out as the most scary part of my job. Then, it became my most cherished. For so many reasons. One of the reasons is, once a kid (and more adults than you would think) lets go for the first time and jumps, trusts me, the equipment, and God that nothing bad is going to happen to them, and they feel that rope catch them, their eyes instantly light up. You see it every time, EVERY time! And it never gets old. It is beautiful. Going to camp the very first time, not knowing anyone, and being in the physical health, and mental state that I was in is MUCH like this; I felt completely unprepared. I was absolutely terrified the first two weeks. But God caught me, and He taught SO MUCH including how to just enjoy the ride, and to be better with 'ziplines'. Last summer, it was more concrete, I was really comfortable with heights. But you are always attached to something up there. Jumping; that free fall... that's a completely different sensation. Fear and adrenaline and excitement are still all rolled up inside me with that sensation. And I here I stand, at this peak, and I am being asked to jump. It's almost time.

God has used all these seemingly random things I have included in this blog, and the dozens I have left out for sake of space, to bring me to a peak. One that is both terrifying and exhilarating at the same time just to stand on. One that I'm not meant to stand on long, I must jump off of. For now, I get to rest, listen, and absorb all thats around me. In one week, I will jump. Jump also implies that all of me will go; I go physically, mentally, and emotionally, with all my doubts, all my fears, and all my hopes and prayers.

And then I will feel it. I will feel Him catch. When I jump, I jump into His arms. I jump to Him.

I don't mean to make this experience of getting ready for, and going to France more than it is; it is just a chapter in the book of my life, just one peak of one mountain I have, and will climb. But here, right now, and on this blog, it is the one I am here to tell you about. I tell you all of these things, with the hope you will be encouraged in what you read. If there has been any insight in this chapter of my life that I have learned, or that by grace you have learned, I thank God for it. I know I am a mess, (we ALL are), but I serve a God who uses broken and messy people. And I couldn't be more grateful.

I think I'm going to have one more post before I leave. Once I get to France, we will have a few days training before we start camp. Once we start camp, we English counselors are said to get one day off a week. I am very hesitant to take my laptop, because I know it would be a huge distraction.. so I will need to rely on office computers for updates, and on days off. I'm not sure just how reliable updates will be, but if I can't blog while I'm in France, I will journal specific updates and post them after. I did want to let you all know a little more of what to expect :] Funding wise I am completely covered, Praise God!

Pray for Europe, and that God would shine His light brighter in the darkness there.

Pray for France.

Pray for the students, that their hearts would be open, and that God would open their eyes.

Pray for my team, as we get ready in this last week to meet up and be counselors.

Pray for us, as we fill the roles of counselors, examples, friends, teammates, hikers, workers, and whatever other role we are called upon to fill.

Pray for our leaders, they have a big job :] (God is bigger!)

Pray that peace would guide my heart and my mind as I continue to prepare, and pack.

Praise God for the work He has done so far in Europe and France. In Japan, in Montana, in Southeast Asia, Africa, Haiti... everywhere I read He is moving. Praise Him!

Praise Him for the work He has done in my life, and in your life.

If you can't see Him moving, pray that He open your eyes, because He is moving.

If you see Him moving, and you aren't moving with Him, go where He is moving.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope."
-Romans 15:13